Embracing Authenticity: A Journey from People-Pleaser to Self-Realisation

Navigating the Struggles of Identity and Acceptance Across Cultures, and Finding True Self-Worth

Many times in my life journey, I thought I was invincible, but I also thought I was so important to others that my life was just about pleasing anyone, not myself.

Growing up with that defective way of being led me many times to life paths that I didn't want to be part of, but unfortunately, I was deep in.

And from where came that defective way to behave?

I am a mixed-race man; in my home country Brazil they call me mulatto, but where I live now in Italy, I am simply a black immigrant, not even taking into consideration that I am, for the documents, 100% Italian.

Since I was a kid, I felt I was not part of here, and acceptance was a burden that I weighed for almost 37 years of my life, considering that now I will be 39. That is my longest relationship after the one with my mother.

When we moved to Italy in 1995, I had to readapt myself to a new culture and place. Readapting to the culture meant cancelling my heritage and becoming someone different. 

And by different, I mean I had to become white in all my aspects for the simple fact that bullying and racism were constant, so I had to find a way to be part of the group. 

In my teenage years, I often straightened my hair, hating that heavy and dry curly hair that was part of a heritage I didn't want anymore. I changed my way of being. I still have glimpses of memories in which, until I was 14 years old, I was utterly extroverted and then became the most introverted person of all.

I liked to be at the centre of attention until the day I hated what I was seeing in front of the mirror—a mixed-race boy, not white, not black, just light chocolate. Many people used to say: I wish to have your colour skin. But my question was: do you also want to bear the burden?

When I finished my studies in marketing and communication in foreign languages, I had to find a job as soon as possible. I needed freedom from my parents, who were not just pessimistic about me but also bullies toward my future, not allowing me to decide what to do and how to do it. 

Finding a job was challenging. In 2005, racism and discrimination were prominent in Italy, but to be honest, this has never changed at all. It took me six months or more to find my first job. Laugh. I was an accountant.

And I won't even share all the racist comments I had to face in that little company I was working for. 

After one year, it was time for me to leave home. I was 20; It was the time to discover myself. 

And with the eyes of today, my spirit of adaptation was high; I was not Jude. I was the Jude the world wanted me to be.

I was extroverted at work and clubs but introverted with me, constantly hating society and humanity.

From that moment, for 17 years, I just kept being someone I was not. Why? Because I didn't know different, being my authentic self would leave me in a lonely place that I was not ready for.

Time passed, and I got more deeply involved in pleasing anyone, getting into situations that nowadays I call trauma, but that at that moment was my way to live life in survival mode. 

The pain was huge in me, and I loved to hurt myself emotionally and sometimes take one more antidepressant prescribed by the doctor.

In the second episode of my podcast, The Krazy Beautiful Show, coming out June 1st with Simona Zamboli, the electronic music producer, I talk about this. 

And what I say is that my generation knew just to be depressed. There was an entire way to be in the late 90's beginning of the 00's that was all about being depressed. It was the mood, and we didn't know differently. 

And even if nowadays I am entirely aware of this pattern, which is more evident thanks to my bipolar disorder, I still need that moment of darkness to be me. 

One year ago, I had an AHA moment, and it was when I realised I didn't need to please anyone to be me. I don't know precisely what happened, but from one day to another, I just started to be the real me. And as in any change, that comes with a price. 

And mine came with the confusion of acceptance and validation. 

I have lived for 37 years as a people-pleaser, wanting to be accepted and validated by society, friends, and family. Suddenly, I don't even care about their existence, but part of me craves that validation, which becomes paranoia, and I am not enough. 

When you realise that I am me and enough, the world around you changes and the entire you within you. 

And it is at that moment that you can scream out loud: I am authentic. 

Being authentic is not about the way we talk and move through society but more about waking up in the morning and being able to send yourself to hell because you feel you want to. 

No one ever explains the meaning of feeling and emotion in a life journey. More importantly, no one ever explains what growth means. Why? Because we are too concentrated on following what society, family, and friends want us to be instead of who we truly want to be on this journey. 

How many of you wake up in the morning wanting a change in life? You may want to be somewhere else or not face the day ahead.

When you wake up this way, it simply means you are not being your authentic self but more of a mask to be accepted in this world.

For instance, think about social media. It is a great place until you see people taking the same pictures with the same poses, watching videos of people doing the same thing, talking in the same way, or simply saying things that no one ever asked about. 

Sometimes, I get stuck on TikTok videos to the point of getting brainwashed by anything I see. Addiction? No, it is simply my way of saying to myself: You will never agree with the societal norms. 

That brainwashing helps me get back on track and be just me. 

If you know me, I own a coaching business called The Unconventional Coaching. There, I offer 1.1 coaching sessions, meditation, reiki, and more to all those who, like me, have never felt part of the societal norms of toxic positivity. 

I won't lie to you, but as usual, I chose the challenging path instead of the easy one. I would love to be toxic and positive to the world, being just able to gain money, saying that you can be everything you want if you buy one of my sessions. 

But I am not like that; I prefer to take you from your ears, slap your mind and say: hey, life is tough; get your shit together and be yourself. Let's start this journey together.

Why? 

Because this is the natural way to live life, as a coach, I wake up some mornings hating my life, but it is okay because being human is part of the process. Being human is not just happiness but pain and many other things that I won't mention because you are not a robot, but you know what I am talking about. 

To be just yourself in this world, you need to be ready to accept that not many will love or validate you. I know It is painful, but it is the sweetest pain of all because you will be able to wake up in the morning and say to yourself: Go to hell.

Now, what do you think about? Are you with being authentic or being on a high fake vibes your entire life?